15 he said i love you and now i am wondering why

the weather is horrible, it is not even raining but just miserably dark and cloudy when it was so sunny all last week. i can feel clouds inside me as well as seeing them when i look out the window. i am trying to complete all my homework today and write in my journal but i don't think either of those things will be done. i feel like giving up, but i have to go to work tomorrow and on monday i have to make pancakes then clean out my room on tuesday and each day i have to revise. it is all due to the weather. the sun makes me sad and so do clouds. nothing suits me. but i think i would like it today if it was sunny, tomorrow sunny, tuesday not so cloudy or sunny and wednesday warm but cloudy, then thursday warm and sunny because my party has been ruined because it will be 10 degrees in the day and only 1 at night so we can't sleep outside. i want to control the weather. weather weather weather. i have other things to be doing.

14 sing a lullaby

i need to spend a long time asleep or doing nothing except laying in the sun. the weather is exceptional and everybody is wearing shorts, it is a rarity because most of the time in england, it's cloudy or windy or raining. i don't understand why people would like to live here or even visit, except perhaps london. all places in the world feel like they are the same. i'm not sure where i would like to go, but not stay here. just knowing that i am in another country makes the simplest everyday routine seem far more exciting than it is to the people who have been rooted there their whole lives. someone needs to cut me at the stem. i need shearers and to float, like a feather or a cloud, something white and spacey and fluffy.

13 aren't they lovely

i never thought i'd become one of those people obsessed with material things, for me my shoes, in particular my doc martens, are a weakness because they are perfect and the warmest things ever. they are a little bit big for me and because my town is really boring i get a lot of funny looks from wearing them but i don't care because they are perfect and beautiful and soon i am going to save up for some cherry red ones in a slightly smaller size. i think i will love those even more.

12 einer tag der sonne

i am disappearing into the shadows as the sun comes out. all i want to do is lie in the park and stare straight at the sun and walk home woozy with its prints in the backs of my eyes, then sit by my open bedroom window as it sets, making paper cranes and lucky stars. i am unsure if i need that luck; change is more important than luck but paper stars are more therapeutic than trawling through paperwork about change. i like it when the clocks go forward because it is a change which doesn't need paperwork. i require less and less stimulation and i find people have become boring to me, tiresome little chores who need their pedestals polished and egos preened. i just need somebody to cut paper strips and squares up when my hands fold in on themselves.

11 die milch der frommen denkungsart

i am exhausted and i have just floated around today, my ability to think is absent again. my mind is absent- that is a good way to describe myself, as someone absent-minded. maybe i never was able to think. when i read my old journals, it becomes more evident that i didn't have flowing thoughts and now on 20.03.11 at 18:18 i still can't think or create, i don't know what my head even sees because i have limited visual imagination. it's like being born blind, blind and bored.

thoughts are more temporary than feelings, and sometimes, i can only feel. but i still think thoughts are far more important than feelings can ever be. i wonder what that says about me as a person.

10

i need more things in my life to be pastel, i think i would be a happier person

09 boris mikhailov

boris mikhailov's red series is so perfect. it looked wonderful altogether in the tate modern, better than the individual photos or any photos of the exhibition online can make it out to be. i would recommend anyone goes and sees it in person if they can because it's really outstanding.

08 no ifs no buts no education cuts

this is the best thing i have done so far in 2012 and possibly the best thing i am going to do there is nothing better than political protest and finding like minded people

07 kool loner girl

i went to the library today and it was brilliantly sunny and these are the books that i took out, i cannot wait to get into them once i have finished what i am reading at the moment.